Quotes

I am a sucker for aphorisms, axioms, apothegms, maxims, and old-fashioned sayin’s. I like ’em better if they are funny, because I am more likely to remember them. Here are some of my favorites, sort of categorized. I will add to this from time to time.

MEN AND WOMEN

  • “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.” — Dave Barry
  • “My girlfriend always laughs during sex — no matter what she’s reading.” — Steve Jobs
  • “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” — Robin Williams.
  • “The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.”  –Author Unknown
  • “Men who don’t like girls with brains don’t like girls.” –Mignon McLaughlin
  • “Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.”  — Marcel Achard
  • “The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman, any woman, with beautiful legs.” — Marlene Dietrich

MONEY

  • “I’d like to live as a poor man with lots of money.”  –Pablo Picasso
  • “The real measure of your wealth is how much you’d be worth if you lost all your money.”  –Author Unknown
  • “Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.” — Woody Allen
  • “There’s no money in poetry, but then there’s no poetry in money, either.”  –Robert Graves
  • “When I have money, I get rid of it quickly, lest it find a way into my heart.”  –John Wesley
  • “Too many people think only of their own profit. But business opportunity seldom knocks on the door of self–centered people. No customer ever goes to a store merely to please the storekeeper.” — Kazuo Inamori

POLITICS

  • “Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.” — James Bovard
  • “The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern.” — Lord Acton
  • “The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.” — Bertrand Russell
  • “Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.” — Ronald Reagan
  • “We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.” — Winston Churchill
  • “A committee is a cul–de–sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.” — Sir Barnett Cocks
  • “A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.” — P. J. O’Rourke
  • “Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.” — Mark Twain
  • “The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well–meaning but without understanding.” — Supreme Court Justice Louis D. Brandeis
  • “They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.” — Benjamin Franklin
  • “There is no way of proving your point to someone whose income and position depend upon believing the contrary.” — Sydney Harris
  • “Government is not reason. Government is not eloquence. It is force. And, like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master.” — George Washington
  • “One should respect public opinion insofar as is necessary to avoid starvation and keep out of prison; anything that goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny.” — Bertrand Russell
  • “First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.” — Mahatma Gandhi

EDUCATION, ART, AND SCIENCE

  • “Of course truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.” — Mark Twain
  • “I want to put a dent in the universe.” — Steve Jobs
  • “There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” — Douglas Adams.
  • “The highest result of education is tolerance.” — Hellen Keller
  • “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” — Albert Einstein
  • “Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.” — Albert Einstein
  • “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” — Aristotle
  • “Idealism increases in direct proportion to one’s distance from the problem.” — John Galsworthy
  • “The essence of all beautiful art, all great art, is gratitude.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
INTELLIGENCE
  • “Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.” — Ambrose Bierce
  • “The test of a first rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.” — F. Scott Fitzgerald
  • “We have now sunk to a depth at which the restatement of the obvious is the first duty of intelligent men.” George Orwell
  • “Each generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it.” — George Orwell
  • “It appears to me that one defeats the fanatic precisely by not being a fanatic oneself, but on the contrary by using one’s intelligence.” –George Orwell
  • “We live in a culture in which intelligence is denied relevance altogether, in a search for radical innocence, or is defended as an instrument of authority and repression. In my view, the only intelligence worth defending is critical, dialectical, skeptical, desimplifying.” — Susan Sontag
  • “‘Tis good-will makes intelligence.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

SUCCESS

  • “To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well–mannered.” — Voltaire
  • “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” –Bill Cosby
  • “Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.” — Thoreau
  • “Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.” — Henry Ford
  • “All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self–evident.” — Arthur Schopenhauer
  • “If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.” — Will Rogers
  • “Hope for a miracle. But don’t depend on one.” — the Talmud
  • “A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.” — Sir Francis Bacon
  • “The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” — George Bernard Shaw
  • “It is a paradoxical but profoundly true and important principle of life that the most likely way to reach a goal is to be aiming not at that goal itself but at some more ambitious goal beyond it.” — Arnold Toynbee
  • “It is better to be high–spirited even though one makes more mistakes, than to be narrow–minded and all too prudent.” — Vincent van Gogh

PEOPLE

  • “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” — Mark Twain
  • “Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.” — Abraham Lincoln
  • “I am not young enough to know everything.”  — Oscar Wilde
  • “The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.” — Albert Einstein
  • “Few people can see genius in someone who has offended them.” — Robertson Davies
  • “Those who will not reason are bigots, those who cannot are fools, and those who dare not are slaves.” — Lord George Byron”
  • “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed people can change the world: indeed it’s the only thing that ever has!” — Margaret Meade
  • “The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.” — Flannery O’Connor

CHARACTER

  • “Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.”     — Oscar Wilde
  • “Seeing a murder on television… can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.” — Alfred Hitchcock
  • “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” — Nelson Mandela
  • “When the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.” — Abraham Maslow
  • “Oh how sweet it is to hear one’s own convictions from another’s lips.” — Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
  • “Only when lions have historians, will hunters cease being heroes.” — African Proverb
  • “Moderation in all things, including moderation.”  — Mark Twain
  • “The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you’ll never find it.” — C. P. Snow
  • “Trying to save someone from their own stupidity is like trying to teach a pig how to dance: it wastes your time, and annoys the pig.” — Robert Heinlein
  • “It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.” — William Blake
  • “Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” — Raymond Lindquist
  • “Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something.” — Henry David Thoreau
  • “Concentration comes out of a combination of confidence and hunger”. — Arnold Palmer
  • “Search others for their virtues, thyself for thy vices.” — Benjamin Franklin
  • “Distrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful.” — Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
  • “I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice.” — Abraham Lincoln
  • “Curiosity is one of the permanent and certain characteristics of a vigorous mind.” — Samuel Johnson
  • “Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • “Nothing in this world can take the place of perseverance. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of education derelicts. Perseverance and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan “press on” has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.” — Calvin Coolidge
  • “I don’t measure a man’s success by how high he climbs but how high he bounces when he hits bottom.” — Gen George Patton
  • “If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.” — Mahatma Gandhi
  • “Facing it, always facing it, that’s the way to get through. Face it.” — Joseph Conrad
  • “Trust men and they will be true to you; treat them greatly, and they will show themselves great.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson